How do you get to be a TROPHY WIFE/GOLD-DIGGER?
First, in High School, don't study anything.
Next, be "popular", this means to act and dress like you are important and make exaggerated facial expressions as if everything was funny, or overly dramatic. Over-react with your face to everything anyone says. Over-react with your face to every point you make when you tell a story. Always make a "Can you believe it" expression with everything you say or hear as if to say, with your face: "How can those Other People be so dumb and low-class"
Next, sleep with the "popular" sports guys. Sleep with all of the them and get burned out on sex by the time you are a Sophomore. Remember, if you have an equilateral face structure, from now on sex is a job from age 25 until you die. Never enjoy it again.
Do not read the news. Do not educate yourself. Do not develop any depth. Do not care about anything but yourself. Only be concerned about nothing further in the future than the next 2 hours.
Get into a Sorority House so that the last vestige of humanity can get programmed out of you and so you can get turned into a sex tool to keep the investment bankers, you will marry for a few years, happy. Sorority houses are where human robots are made.
Once you bag your revenue stream/husband, get knocked up as soon as possible. The kids are your golden gateway to winning the alimony suit in the divorce litigation. Also, kids mean welfare checks. Kids = cash! Kids will get the court and the State to award you enough money to keep buying nasty french bubble water at Whole Foods.
Get him to buy you as much plastic surgery and big boobs as early as possible as these are gold-diggings you can use to ensure future income as you bag your next revenue stream/husband or in-between rich boyfriends. Most important, these are assets he can never take away from you once you start divorce proceedings. Cut your body up early and cut it often with as much plastic surgery as you can possibly stand. Tell him: "But honey, I only want to make myself sexier to please YOU!" Get that asshole's cash in your booty-bank quick! Get plastic surgery ASAP. Keep getting surgery until you look like a fish.
ONCE YOU MOVE TO MILL VALLEY: YOUR SOLE PURPOSE IN LIFE IS TO HACK INTO/BREAK INTO OR STEAL HIS CORPORATE RECORDS AND COMPANY TAX FORMS SO YOU CAN SEE WHERE HE IS HIDING HIS POST-DIVORCE MONEY FROM YOU IN HIS BUSINESS TRUSTS AND CAYMAN CORPORATE BANKS! DO THIS ASAP OR YOU WILL END UP A HOMELESS YOGA INSTRUCTOR LIVING IN A SAN RAFAEL BASEMENT!
Wear gold flocked fabrics and tons of shiny jewels. YOU MUST get those sunglasses with the big gold or silver logos at the front of the hinge bows. It is the best possible way to tell the world that you absolutely suck!
You want to get knocked up ASAP so you can start talking about "the great education they can get in Mill Valley" so you can start programming your revenue stream/husband to start wanting to move to Mill Valley and buying the house there for you to take away from him in the Divorce. You know those kids are going to help you nail that part of the divorce litigation because you will say that they "need the stability of the home they were born in".
Make "friend's" with all the guys in Mill Valley so you have your next option lined up.
Never sign a pre-nup.
Hack his cell phone and check his text messages.
As you know from all the other gold-diggers, you need to pop the kids out ASAP so you can grow them up to age 18 and get those bastards booted out on their own before they destroy any chance of you ever dating again or bagging revenue stream/husband #2.
COMMENTS:
Susan K, Mill Valley, Match.com:
"Are you kidding? We got our noses surgically cut up to look like ski slopes, implanted higher cheekbones and showed all of the men our vaginas so THE WORLD SHOULD ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE DESERVE TO BE GIVEN NICE THINGS BY THE WORLD FOR NO DISCERNABLE REASON!"
Ana Lee, Mill Valley, Match.com:
" This is what men deserve! It is their fault for making us screw a different one of them each night so we never got our homework done so we couldn't learn anything in school so we couldn't get good jobs. Men owe us! The men made us become cheerleaders instead of taking science classes, Men suck!!!!!!!!!!!! They made us cute ones have nervous break-downs when we all got out of college and realize we wasted our lives as sex objects. Now we are all addicted to valium forever. Those plain girls are raking in all the cash with good jobs. We cute ones get crap. I am going to date as many of them as possible and make them feed me free food for breakfast, lunch and dinner on their dime! "
Sasha DuPre, Belvedere, OK Cupid:
"Men are all liars. They promise you a house and a family and cash for life and as soon as they see we are using them they just dump you or divorce you or cheat on you. They are liars. I write passive/aggressive emails to men on OK Cupid all day long so the men will have defensive reactions so I can validate my hatred of them. I love saying: 'see I knew he wasn't worth it' to myself, each time I get them to go off"
Wanda Martin, Tiburon, Plenty of Fish:
"Amen, Sista's!, Those of us with equilateral faces and pointy model-like face features are owed by the men for even letting them see us with our equilateral faces and pointy model-like face features. They can't get that from their fat Daly City girls! Men do not get ordered to get plastic surgery (except Bruce Jenner and he blew it) like us cute girls do."
Bob Anderson, Mill Valley, Match.com:
"As a guy, I have to say, it is really draining going through a pro-forma financial statement with every Marin date. They never do that in Oakland or Berkeley."
First, in High School, don't study anything.
Next, be "popular", this means to act and dress like you are important and make exaggerated facial expressions as if everything was funny, or overly dramatic. Over-react with your face to everything anyone says. Over-react with your face to every point you make when you tell a story. Always make a "Can you believe it" expression with everything you say or hear as if to say, with your face: "How can those Other People be so dumb and low-class"
Next, sleep with the "popular" sports guys. Sleep with all of the them and get burned out on sex by the time you are a Sophomore. Remember, if you have an equilateral face structure, from now on sex is a job from age 25 until you die. Never enjoy it again.
Do not read the news. Do not educate yourself. Do not develop any depth. Do not care about anything but yourself. Only be concerned about nothing further in the future than the next 2 hours.
Get into a Sorority House so that the last vestige of humanity can get programmed out of you and so you can get turned into a sex tool to keep the investment bankers, you will marry for a few years, happy. Sorority houses are where human robots are made.
Once you bag your revenue stream/husband, get knocked up as soon as possible. The kids are your golden gateway to winning the alimony suit in the divorce litigation. Also, kids mean welfare checks. Kids = cash! Kids will get the court and the State to award you enough money to keep buying nasty french bubble water at Whole Foods.
Get him to buy you as much plastic surgery and big boobs as early as possible as these are gold-diggings you can use to ensure future income as you bag your next revenue stream/husband or in-between rich boyfriends. Most important, these are assets he can never take away from you once you start divorce proceedings. Cut your body up early and cut it often with as much plastic surgery as you can possibly stand. Tell him: "But honey, I only want to make myself sexier to please YOU!" Get that asshole's cash in your booty-bank quick! Get plastic surgery ASAP. Keep getting surgery until you look like a fish.
ONCE YOU MOVE TO MILL VALLEY: YOUR SOLE PURPOSE IN LIFE IS TO HACK INTO/BREAK INTO OR STEAL HIS CORPORATE RECORDS AND COMPANY TAX FORMS SO YOU CAN SEE WHERE HE IS HIDING HIS POST-DIVORCE MONEY FROM YOU IN HIS BUSINESS TRUSTS AND CAYMAN CORPORATE BANKS! DO THIS ASAP OR YOU WILL END UP A HOMELESS YOGA INSTRUCTOR LIVING IN A SAN RAFAEL BASEMENT!
Wear gold flocked fabrics and tons of shiny jewels. YOU MUST get those sunglasses with the big gold or silver logos at the front of the hinge bows. It is the best possible way to tell the world that you absolutely suck!
You want to get knocked up ASAP so you can start talking about "the great education they can get in Mill Valley" so you can start programming your revenue stream/husband to start wanting to move to Mill Valley and buying the house there for you to take away from him in the Divorce. You know those kids are going to help you nail that part of the divorce litigation because you will say that they "need the stability of the home they were born in".
Make "friend's" with all the guys in Mill Valley so you have your next option lined up.
Never sign a pre-nup.
Hack his cell phone and check his text messages.
As you know from all the other gold-diggers, you need to pop the kids out ASAP so you can grow them up to age 18 and get those bastards booted out on their own before they destroy any chance of you ever dating again or bagging revenue stream/husband #2.
COMMENTS:
Susan K, Mill Valley, Match.com:
"Are you kidding? We got our noses surgically cut up to look like ski slopes, implanted higher cheekbones and showed all of the men our vaginas so THE WORLD SHOULD ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE DESERVE TO BE GIVEN NICE THINGS BY THE WORLD FOR NO DISCERNABLE REASON!"
Ana Lee, Mill Valley, Match.com:
" This is what men deserve! It is their fault for making us screw a different one of them each night so we never got our homework done so we couldn't learn anything in school so we couldn't get good jobs. Men owe us! The men made us become cheerleaders instead of taking science classes, Men suck!!!!!!!!!!!! They made us cute ones have nervous break-downs when we all got out of college and realize we wasted our lives as sex objects. Now we are all addicted to valium forever. Those plain girls are raking in all the cash with good jobs. We cute ones get crap. I am going to date as many of them as possible and make them feed me free food for breakfast, lunch and dinner on their dime! "
Sasha DuPre, Belvedere, OK Cupid:
"Men are all liars. They promise you a house and a family and cash for life and as soon as they see we are using them they just dump you or divorce you or cheat on you. They are liars. I write passive/aggressive emails to men on OK Cupid all day long so the men will have defensive reactions so I can validate my hatred of them. I love saying: 'see I knew he wasn't worth it' to myself, each time I get them to go off"
Wanda Martin, Tiburon, Plenty of Fish:
"Amen, Sista's!, Those of us with equilateral faces and pointy model-like face features are owed by the men for even letting them see us with our equilateral faces and pointy model-like face features. They can't get that from their fat Daly City girls! Men do not get ordered to get plastic surgery (except Bruce Jenner and he blew it) like us cute girls do."
Bob Anderson, Mill Valley, Match.com:
"As a guy, I have to say, it is really draining going through a pro-forma financial statement with every Marin date. They never do that in Oakland or Berkeley."